Beaches

Well, gosh, after two weeks at the beach I should still be flying high! Actually, I am really struggling with sadness. I feel the loss of family. I feel the loss of place. I think I even feel the loss of purpose that came with being a teacher for so many years. Why now???

I am in transition. Looking back over my life, I know that transitions have never been easy. Some came more easily than others, but truly they required personal adjustment and more importantly, faith. Faith that my children will be happy and fulfilled. Faith that my ineptitude at money management won't leave me destitute in my old age. Faith that who I am won't be damaged by time and circumstance to the point that no one will want to be around me.

Melancholia - such a more comforting word than depression, I think. It runs through both sides of my family like good skin and poor feet! Without faith, I don't stand a chance of making these transitions successfully. Constantly second-guessing myself, wasting time, postponing activities that will make me happy, worrying about circumstances that I have no control over; it's all there every day, waiting to bring me down.

Why is it so hard to remember all of the things we have to be thankful for and only dwell on the uncertainties instead?

I love this wonderful place where we live. I love my family. We have been blessed with the most precious grandchild. I have a few good friends who truly care about me. I have an amazing husband who loves me after all of these years together. I have absolute faith in God and the promise of eternal life through the gift of His son, Jesus.

So,beaches.....I have so many wonderful memories of being at the beach from both my childhood and my married life. Memories of being carefree, being in love, being young, giving the same memories to my children. Perhaps there was also the realization of just how many changes I have already weathered. I pushed the memories to the back of my mind until now, where they have jumped full-blown to my conciousness. Change..... transition..... uncertainty.... DEAL WITH IT....Faith! Be thankful and express it. Get up and get moving. Don't wallow in uncertainty and indecision. Give the people you love credit for loving you back! The ones that don't, will be replaced by ones who do. Give God credit for doing what He says He will do. Move on....

Losing Hurts

"Mama whispered softly, time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same

And she said, how can I help you to say goodbye
It's okay to hurt, and it's okay to cry
Come let me hold you, and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye"
(Lyrics by Patti Loveless)

No matter whether it is a friend who moves away;
a hard fought competition that is lost;
a pet who dies;
a marriage that ends;
a job that disappears;
a beloved relative who dies;
It all hurts.
It is all inevitable.
And we must expect the pain if we also want the joy.
No one makes it through life without some disappointment and sadness.
But we all need someone who is there for us.
Who feels our pain.
Who wants to make it better.
Those of us with a Mom or Dad who has been that person are truly blessed.
Those of us with a spouse who becomes that person are truly blessed.
Those of us who become that person are truly blessed.
People are important.
Each of us needs to take more time to remember and give thanks for the blessings in our life.

Joyous Pain

Why is it that we, as parents, spend so many years preparing our children to be independent, successful, and happy? When what that really means is that we, as parents, must also be preparing ourselves for the enevitable pain of letting go.

Our hearts, lives, and outlook changes forever when we have children. We are not the same ever again. I would not want to be that pre-child person either! Because of being a parent I was a better teacher. Just think, the 34 years of my working life would have been less satisfying. Perhaps, I might not have known what I was missing, but I certainly understand now. They were never just 'students'. They were someone's child. I treated them like I hoped other teachers treated my children - seeing them as individuals with infinite potential who deserved the best I could give them. And some of them left lasting imprints on my heart.

So our hearts are wrenched and torn; separation is so painful and so inevitable. Once again we are thankful for their successful moving on, but we must learn to live with the pain of their leaving. Change our routine, look for other thoughts to fill our minds, and remember the blessing of this joyous pain.

Then something happens that changes everything. A grandchild! Oh dear.... here we go again!

Daily Blessings

Just back from a walk with Molly and Dash. Well, not quite just back.... I had to stop sweating and Jenny called and we talked quite a long time. YEA!

Anyway, the puppies and I walked a few blocks and then came back down the canal near our home. Now this canal is more like a creek and is like being in another, less scorching hot world.

We all walked in the water. Molly and Dash were sniffing new smells and chasing waterbugs and whatever else their imagination saw. I was relishing the coolness and the calm reassuring sound of the wind through the pines.

I hope we can live here until we can't! And that I have many more opportunities to do and share these simple things in life that bring me so much joy. It is truly a special place.

Thankfully, both Ray and I feel this way.

Permanence

Permanence is not something our society values. This devaluing is just more evidence of how far we have fallen into the trap of selfishness and materialism. Attitudes that are so prevalent that they are rarely even questioned any more.

I have saved writings from emails, books, and other various sources over the years. Some things just speak to you and you don't want to forget them! The following is one of my special favorites that I would like to be a part of my reflections. So I won't forget....

Some Things You Keep

Some things you keep. Like good teeth. Warm coats. Bald husbands.
They're good for you, reliable and practical and so sublime that to throw them
away would make the garbage man a thief.
So you hang on, because something old is sometimes better than something new, and what you know often better than some stranger's ideas.

These are my thoughts. They make me sound old; old and tame, and dull at a time when everybody else is risky and racy and daring and flashing all that's new and improved in their lives. New spouses, new careers, new thighs, new lips.
The world is dizzy with trade-ins. I could keep track, but I don't think I want to.

I grew up in the fifties with practical parents - a mother, God bless her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then re-used it.
A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones.

They weren't poor, my parents, they were just satisfied. Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away.
I can see them now, Dad in trousers and a tee shirt; Mom in a housedress. Dad pushing a lawnmower and Mom in the kitchen.
It was a time for fixing things - a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress.

Things you keep.

It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, re-heating, re-newing! I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant there'd always be more.

But then my father died, and on that clear autumn night, in the chill of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any 'more'. Sometimes what you care about most gets all used up and goes away, never to return.

So, while you have it, it's best to love it and care for it and fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick. That's true for friends, marriage, and old cars, and children with bad report cards, and dogs with bad hips, and blind cats.
You keep them because they're worth it; because you're worth it.

Some things you keep.

(Thanks to Sheri Sobek)

Babies!

Being a "grandma" truly is alot like all of the cliches I've heard over the years.
1. It's wonderful; you get to enjoy them, then give them back to their parents.
2. Thank goodness you have babies when you are young - they take so much time and energy.
3. Loving a grandchild isn't quite the same as loving your own children because your children are entirely your responsibilty; all you have to do is the "love without reservation" part with a grandchild.
And so on.....

But being a grandparent is a reality check, too. Hey! I am almost 65 and still concerned about my children's happiness and well-being. But it does bring back the wonderful memories of babyhood that are so hard to enjoy when they are happening. Think tired, out of shape, uncertainty, too much responsibilty, not enough time or money..... Still, the infant and toddler stages were so special and it is a wonderful thing to reflect on as a mom.

We were blessed with happy, healthy, babies! I'm not sure we even have any pictures of them crying. Our daughter, Jenny, has told us that she is so thankful for having a childhood where she could just be a child. No drama, lots of love, and never a dull moment! Our Drew was just as happy and full of energy, if not more so. They were water babies and still are.

But eventually our fledglings had to leave the nest. All of our lives changed and moved on. But nothing changed about how much we loved them and wanted them to be happy.

Now we have more family to love and enjoy. We were blind-sided by the breakup of Drew's marriage to Sandi. I am still a little bit in denial there. And I wish things were different; 'If wishes were horses....'. Love isn't something I can turn off. I am thankful that Sandi still thinks of us as family. Otherwise, this would be even harder to bear. Jenny and Tim have had their bumps in the proverbial road, but have weathered them well. Didn't stop me from worrying and losing sleep, though. :-)

So, babies grow best with love and security. Then they fledge, and you must let them go through life and learn their life lessons, just as we did. And continue our loving, caring, and being concerned as they do.

Catch Up!

Reflection just happens! I am out mowing the yard, and ZAP, I think how often I mowed our yard when I was growing up. Funny, I don't remember my younger sisters having to mow! But, I never really minded; it was fun being outside and it had a beginning and an ending; I had accomplished something and it helped my family.

After I got married, Ray mowed most of the time, although I pitched in occasionally. Mostly I was busy with children, school, and the house. The house was definitely at the end of the list. I have never been a good "housekeeper," even though I admire those who are. But the slack was always picked up by my wonderful and infinitely patient husband, Ray. He has washed more dishes and clothes, vacuumed and cleaned the bathroom, more than any wife has a right to hope for.

So, now I am playing "catch-up"! I mow; I wash; I fold; I dust; I organize; I fertilize; I vacuum; Gosh, this really IS a full time job!

I am finding my way in this new phase of life and liking it alot. Another bonus is being able to pray, read the Bible, and focus on getting my spiritual house in order as well.

Psalm 51 says, "Create in me, a clean heart O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." My life, like this Reflection, is a work in progress.